Reinventing Nigerian Musicians as Characters in a Nollywood Horror Movie
I was bored over the weekend, and as my mind raced, I thought, “What if Davido got a role in a Nollywood horror movie?” What character would he play well? And Don Jazzy? Like a?”
When you have thoughts like this as a Zikoko writer, the next thing to do is pitch it to your editor. And so, I asked to do an article in which I featured Nigerian musicians as stars of a Nollywood movie. To call river of gold.
Without reading this, you already know that Blaqbonez is the wealthy businessman’s talkative doorman, who does pointless silly comedy and sings without provocation. The twist, however, is that her bebelube is going to get her into trouble. He will stumble upon information about his boss that he shouldn’t know and get used to rituals in the first 20 minutes of the film.
2. Don Jazzy
Pete Edochie and Kanayo O. Kanayo are shaking. In this film, Don Jazzy used everyone close to him – except his wife and children – for money rituals. That’s even why D’Prince isn’t in this movie.
Don Jazzy was in his bathroom bathing in the blood of a virgin when Blaqbonez, his caretaker, burst in to tell him to play his latest song, “Raba.” You already know what happened next.
Don Jazzy’s wife. The only reason she’s alive is because the babalawo told Don Jazzy that he would run out of money if anything ever happened to his wife. Asa doesn’t care though. She concentrates on her import business and only has time for her two children. And his children? All they do is bully the housekeeper because they are spoiled.
4. Zlatan and DJ Cuppy
The two children. Completely ignorant. Just vibrate. They only have 2 minutes of screen time combined. Gambling is very bad.
Household help. He’s a little too good at his job and he never complains even if he just gets tortured by Don Jazzy’s kids.
Everyone in the village loves him because he helps people and gives expensive gifts, but they don’t know that he is the reason why people disappear from the village every month. They don’t suspect it either. A smart man.
7. Teni Makanaki
She is the priestess responsible for all ritual murders. She meets Don Jazzy on weeknights and Davido on weekends. They don’t know that she’s the one running it for both of them.
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8. Rema and Tems
They are the police investigators sent from the city to find out why people go missing so often. Davido redeems them fairly quickly. What can’t a small ₦5m do?
9. Wild Tiwa
The village witch. She’s not important to the story like that. Everyone knows that she is the village witch who used to eat people’s children a long time ago. But it has lost most of its power and can now only cause measles, rashes and menstrual pain. Basically, she fell like a witch.
The village youth pastor. He is the one who ultimately uses prayers and a large Bible to burn down Teni’s shrine and expose Davido. Moreover, her prayers somehow bring back all the deceased from the rituals, and there is a great happy reunion. To God be the glory!
11. Ayra Starr
She’s the nice village girl that Davido promised to marry and give the whole world to. She loves him with all her heart, soul and power. She stands in the corner and tearfully watches Davido confess his sins and be dragged out of the village to be stoned. The camera pans over her belly. She is with her child. This child will avenge his father. Pay attention to part 2.
12. Kizz Daniel
Nobody remembers his role, except that he was too cool to act properly. He’s fine though, which is why the director left him in the movie.
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